Beste Grappe per Donderdagaand
Philemon gets to work badly bruised and full of blood. The
lady he works for is very concerned, "What on earth happened?"
"Eish ma'am, the baas hit me"
"Those days are over Philemon. We're going to report this to the Police. Which
baas hit you?" "The Putco 'baas' miesies"
Die twee ou skool pelle, Piet en Koos, loop mekaar raak na
"Haai, ou Piet, jy lyk goed man. Wat het jy met jou lewe gedoen na skool?" vra
"Nee," sê Piet, "ek het Tale gaan swot op Tukkies en het my Honneurs behaal.
Daar het ek toe ook my vrou ontmoet. Sy skryf gedigte en prosa en het 'n
Meestersgraad in Letterkunde. My seun is 'n konsertpianis in Amerika vir die
Amerikaanse Philharmoniese orkes en my dogter is die hoofballerina in London se
balletgeselskap.... Julle moet een aand oorkom dan hou ons 'n kultuur-aand. En
wat het jy met jou lewe gedoen, Koos?"
"Nee," sê Koos, "ek was mos al op skool al 'n bietjie bakleierig en het toe na
skool maar 'n bokser geword. Daar het ek ook my vrou ontmoet, die dogter van 'n
promotor, en in daai tyd kon vrouens mos nie boks nie toe begin sy met karate en
sy het haar black belt gekry voor ons eerste kind. Ons seun het onlangs sy
nasionale kleure gekry in stoei en my dogter verteenwoordig ons land in Judo....
Julle moet een aand oorkom dan moer ons julle."
I had an interesting experience recently involving an "older"
woman I met at a bar. She looked pretty darn HOT for 57. She was drinking
quite a bit, and while we were chatting, she came right out and asked me if I'd
ever had a "sportsman's double:" A mother and daughter threesome! I said 'no',
but she might be able to talk me into it. So she slams back one last
drink, wipes her mouth, and looking directly into my eyes, she tells me,
"Tonight's your lucky night." So we go back to her place, she clicks on the hall
light right as we enter, and she shouts upstairs…."Mom! You still awake?"
A ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a
local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little
fun, so he says to the Kiwi: "Can I talk to your dog?
Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to
the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down
often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f***ing liar!!!"
Last night while watching tv I saw that Wimpy advert and I
decided to try it with my cherrie. After I said to her -
"CAFE LATTE" she just ignored
me. After I said
MACCIATTO she told me to shut up. Just before I could finish
saying CUPPACHINO, she
slaps me with a moerse klap. I asked her "what did you do that for now?" she
replied "Do I look like a f#%ken foreigner - can't you use words like
HANSA, CASTLE or
RED HEART, jou bliksem
After having their 11th child, a Brakpan couple decided that was
enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children...
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy but that it
was expensive. (For people staying in Brakpan, paying more than R50 for anything
other than booze, car accessories or a sound system, is expensive).
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb
(fireworks are legal in Brakpan), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the
can up to your ear and count to 10! The man said : "Aag, yinne, I maait
not be de cleverest oke in the wurlt, but I dussin see how putting a cherrie
borm in a beer can, next to my ear, is going to help me. "
"Trust me, " said the doctor...
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: " Wun, twooo, freee, forrr, faaaiife, " at
which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed
counting on his other hand…
Die boer lê en slaap in sy huis toe die selfoon skielik begin
lui. Toe hy antwoord, is dit ou Petrus op die plaas. Petrus sê: "Baas, baas, jy
moet gou kom, hier's groot moeilikheid oppie plaas." Die boer vra toe "Petrus,
Wat is fout?" Petrus: "Ek, ek kannie oor die phone verduidelik nie, jy, jy moet
kom hier by die plaas." Toe die boer daar kom sê Petrus: "Een vannie skape, hy
het hom die 7 babies gekry, enne die skaap hy sallie hom nie kan voer almal van
daai babies nie." Die boer besef toe dat hulle die lammers maar self met bottels
sal moet voer en ry toe na die noodapteek toe en vra vir die dame agter die
toonbank, "Verskoon tog dame, het jy lam tiete?" Koel en kalm antwoord sy: "Nee,
Meneer, dis net 'n kak bra."
"Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!"
"E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!"
The next day: "Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night."
"Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back."
"Sorry Sipho, I did already spent that money.."
"Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow." So, Bongani brought the dead
cow to Sipho the next morning. A few weeks later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and
asked him what he did with the dead cow: "You won't believe, Bongani! I made a
raffle for the cow, and I sold 251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R850!
But, I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead."
"Yoh! And the people they didn't complain?"
"Eish! Only the guy which won! So, I gave him back his R5 and he was happy!"
Sipho is now in parliament.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in
a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on
her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who
keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from
reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and
all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,
and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little
shit on your knee".
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and
one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out
the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and
then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of
hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You
could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is
one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man
came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat
there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used
to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face
neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady
who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting
for?" She answered "THE TEETH."
"Krokodil!!!!!!!, Krokodillllllllll!!!!!!!!" skree hy in sy
woede. Krokodil wonder toe wat aan gaan en hy steek sy kop bo die water.
Mierjtie skree weer.."Krokodil! klim uit die blerrie water uit!" Krokidil kyk
toe die storie so en wonder wat vandag met miertjie aan gaan en miertjie skree
weer, maar die keer met vollebors, "K R O K O D I L klim uit die donnerse water
uit!" Krokodil klim toe maar heel skrikkerig uit die water uit, want miertjie is
heeltemal befok vandag.
Miertjie loop toe al langs die rivier totdat hy by Seekoei kom en hy
skree,"SEEKOEI! S E E K O E I!!! V. E. T. G. A .T! Klim uit die bliksemse water
uit!" Maar nou is miertjie eers bedonnerd en die bloed POMP na sy brein.
Na 'n rukkie skree miertjie weer, "Seekoei klim uit die FOKKEN Water uit!"
Seekoei bekyk die storie so en wonder wat fout is met miertjie vandag, maar tog
klim Seekoei bangerig uit die water uit.
Intussen vlieg valk verby en sien dat miertjie nie in 'n goeie bui is nie en hy
vra "maar miertjie wat is fout?"
En miertjie skree "I E M A N D ???????????? HET MY FOKKEN SWEMBROEK GESTEEL!"
Die dronkie kies kortpad deur die begrafplaas en neuk in 'n oop
graf. Later die nag begin dit reen en die outjie kry koud... Huil hy kliphard:
"Help ag jimmel - iemand, help my tog, dis koud hier onder". Stap Gatiep
verby (ook maar lekker gesuip), steek vas, loer in die graf, gryp 'n graaf en
begin die hoop sand ingooi terwyl hy troos: " Toemaar, toemaar, ek ishhhh hier -
dishhhh g'n wonner jy kry koutie - jy't jousjelf dan oopgesjkop"
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when
the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the
side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was and she
said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get
it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "OK, Get in the car with
it." The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it
between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?" said the wife. And the man replied, "Just hold its
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with, died at
When Dan found out he was going
to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman
to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the
most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in
just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she
became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a
65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from
the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. 'May we see the new
baby?" one asked. 'Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit
for awhile first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May
we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. After another few
minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet,"
replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see
the baby?" "When he cries!" she told them. "When he cries?" they demanded. "Why
do we have to wait until he cries?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM.... O.K.?"
Die twee eerstejaar studente het 'n bietjie te ver met die
vryery gegaan, en besluit om die nooi se ouers die naweek op die plaas oor die
onverwagste swangerskap te gaan inlig. Die hele aand het die kêrel gewroeg
oor hoe hy die voorgenome skoonouers oor hul lot gaan vertel, maar hy kom nie
sover om dit te doen nie. Die nag het hy sleg geslaap en die volgende more was
hy vroeg op. Hy was heel verbaas om oral op die werf net Toyotas te sien.
In die motorhuis het 'n Camry gestaan, onder die boom 'n Hilux bakkie en in die
stoor was 'n Land Cruiser. Selfs die plaas se naambord was geborg deur Toyota.
Terwyl hy hom so verwonder, groet die oom hom skielik. Die arme kêrel skrik hom
flou. Maar kenmerkend van 'n vindingryke student herstel hy gou en vra die oom
uit oor sy baie Toyotas. "Toyotas het baie goeie masjiene. Hul ratkaste gee nie
in nie. Die Land Cruiser se vere kan jy maar laat werk. Die onderstelle hou vir
ewig. En selfs in die winter sukkel 'n mens nie om die Toyotas te start nie," sê
die oom. Waarop die kêrel vinnig antwoord: "Oom se dogter is seker ook 'n
Toyota. Ek het haar net so 'n ligte stootjie gegee, toe vat sy."
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a
while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair
-- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... not if
I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Jannie se ouma kuier oppie
plaas en Jannie hardloop by die plaashuis in waar sy ma en ouma besig is om
middag ete voor te berei. "Ma, Ma, die bul spyker 'n koei!" Ouma skrik
haar boeglam en kry omtrent 'n hartaanval.
Jannie se ma gryp hom aan die oor en trek hom buitentoe en sê "luister nou mooi
Jannie, jy kannie rondloop en sulke lelike woorde gebruik nie, gebruik iets
anders soos... uuhhhh .... sê eerder die bul verras die koei"
'n Paar minute later hardloop Jannie weer in die kombuis in; "Ma, Ma, die bul
verras nou al die koeie!"
"Onmoontlik Jannie" sê sy ma, "Die bul kannie al die koeie verras nie". "Ja hy
kan!!" sê Jannie, "Want hy spyker nou die perd!!!"
On the 2nd tee of the golf
course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair,
it meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me." His wife was hurt, but said,
"Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I
forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the 17th tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted
out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me of
your affair. Since we're being honest with each other I have something to tell
you also. Thirty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before
I met you. I hope you can forgive me"
The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed
the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee,
pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one,
then started on hers. He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You
despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and
soul...and all these years you've been - playing off the ladies tees!"
Oom Kallie en Tant Anna ry
in New York toe 'n taxi langs hulle stop. Die taxidriver se toe vir hulle:
"Good morning!" Tant Anna vra toe vir Oom Kallie: "Pappa, wat sê hy?"
Toe antwoord Oom Kallie: "Ag, hy sê sommer hallo." En hulle ignoreer die
taxidriver heeltemal. Toe vra die taxidriver: "Hey, where you from?"
Tant Anna vra toe: "Pappa, wat se die man?" Oom Kallie antwoord: "Ag, hy
vra sommer waarvandaan ons kom." En hulle antwoord "South Africa". Die
taxidriver sê toe: "Hey, I've been to South Africa and I had the worst sex there
ever!" Tant Anna vra toe weer: "Pappa, wat se hy?" Oom Kallie: "Hy
sê hy ken jou!
Francois came home from the pub late one Friday
evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who
was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a
long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Francois, "and what are you doing in my
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Francois was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live
for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only
send you back as a dog or a hen."
Francois was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he
asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in
feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up
inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen,
how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Francois, "but I have this strange feeling inside like
I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an
"Never" replies Francois "Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from
under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got
the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he
laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that
being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to
him...ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his
third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting:..... "Francois, skrik wakker jou dronk vark, jy KAK innie bed!!!"
When Joe, a nice man married
for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated. A couple of months
later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.
Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him. She ran towards him,
calling his name: "Joe, darling.."
Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't "darling" me. The deal was very
clear!! "Until death do us part!""
SARS decides to
audit Ralph, and summons him to the SARS office. The SARS auditor is not
surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time
employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not
sure the SARS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, "I'll
bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a
moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites
it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars
that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he
takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned
auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney
as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph
asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket
on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice
burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this
guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although
he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other
side, so he pretty much urinates all over the SARS man's desk. The auditor
leap's with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney just moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been
summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars that he could come in
here and piss all over a SARS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."
Die onnie vra vir die aardrykskunde-klas: "Watter deel van
die son is die warmste?"
Jannie antwoord dadelik: "Bladsy 3, juffrou!"
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,
her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking
too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my
GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.
CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to
salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't
know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when
Edward Longshanks het met 4 000 troepe Suid-Afrika toe gekom om
die Boere op te f... By die slagveld gekom sien hy doer in die verte op 'n
koppie staan 'n figuur met blonde hare, kortbroek aan met 'n kam in sy kous. "Rooinek!"
skree die Boer op die koppie. "Kom hier jou Engelse moer! I will gives you one
helluva gatskop!" Edward draai om na sy bevelvoerder en sê: "Take 20 men and
deal with that Boer upstart!" Die bevelvoerder stuur 20 man om die Boer te gaan
soek. Tien minute later staan die Boer weer op die koppie. "You! English donner!
Stuur the rest of your Rooinekke. I will f.. them almal op!" Edward raak nou
ietwat geïrriteerd en sê vir die bevelvoerder: "Take 100 men and kill that
little guttersnipe!" Die bevelvoerder stuur 100 man oor die koppie. 'n Rukkie
later staan die Boer so waar as wragtig weer op die randjie en skree:
"Hey, you ...t! Jou ma se .! I is just warming up! Come moer me dik!" Toe
verloor Edward kop en stuur 400 troepe om die Boer dood te maak. Tien minute
later staan die Boer maar weer daar. Sy klere is geskeur en sy hare staan wild.
Dis net snot, bloed en Castle. Weer skree hy: "Is dat de best ye can do? You
bloody vrot pommies! Come on, come and have a go julle souties! Kom klap me
stukkend!" Rooi in die gesig sê Edward vir die bevelvoerder: Take the rest of
the men and don't come back untill you have killed him!" Vyf minute later kom
een van die troepe al gillende en vol bloed oor die randjie gestorm: "Your
majesty!" skree hy, "It's a trap! There's two of them!"
Bobby Naidoo from Durbs, applies for a job as a salesman in
Vrede in the Vrystaat in a hyper store.
The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"
Bobby says: "S'true my Larnie, I was a salesman back in ** Grey street*** Durban
Well, the boss liked the indian boytjie so he gave him the
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was
locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Bobby says: "Larnie, Just ONE sale 'n all."
The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20
or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better
than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"
Bobby says: " R1,401,237.64"
Boss says: "Bliksem..."R1,401, 237.64? what the hell did you sell?"
Bobby stutters: "Sir Larnie Boss man, First I sell him the small fishhook. Then
I sell him medium fishhook. Then I sell him large fishhook. Then I sell him new
fishing rod and some fishing gear 'n all.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he tunes down on the coast, so I'm
tuning him he'll be needing boats 'n all in the ** Indian Ocean cause I'm Indian
and I'm knowing this, so we trapped down to the boating department and I sell
him twin engine Ocean going Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Ford Bantam
would pull it and I'm saying true 'a all, so I took him down to our jammy
automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Hilux double-cab with a canopy 'n
all my Larnie. I then get to ask him where he'll be staying 'n all, and since he
han no possi to kip, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those
new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should
throw in about a R1000 worth of groceries and two cases of beer and I'm scheming
that's lekka 'n all and I gave him discount.."
The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you
sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"
Bobby tunes: "Nooit meneer, actually he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife, and I'm tuning him: "Well, since your weekends stuffed 'n
all, you might just as well go fishing.........."
Eendag merk die dominee 'n klein seuntjie in die
voorportaal van die kerk op wat aandagtig na 'n groot gedenkplaat teen die muur
staan en kyk. Dit was oortrek met name en daar was klein landsvlaggies
weerskante. Die sewejarige seuntjie het vir 'n lang tyd aandagtig na die plaat
gestaan en kyk. Toe loop die dominee nader, kom staan langs die seuntjie, en sê
saggies: “Goeiemore my Seun”.
“More, Dominee” sê hy, met sy oë nog vasgenael op die plaat. “Dominee, wat is
dit hierdie?” vra hy.
Die dominee antwoord: “Wel, my seun, dit is 'n gedenkplaat vir al die jongmanne
wat in die diens gesterf het”. In doodse stilte en met groot eerbied staan die
twee toe voor die plaat en staar na die name.
Uiteindelik, in 'n skaars hoorbare stemmetjie en bewend van vrees vra die
seuntjie: “Watter diens Dominee? Die agtuur- of die elfuurdiens”
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an
obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as
he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has
asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so
lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to
raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess.
I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray
Koos and Japie from BOKSBURG were in Pretoria for the Currie Cup
Final when they suddenly spotted this sign on a shop window:
Suits R20--00 each
Shirts R10--00 each (Two-Tone only)
Trousers R8--00 per pair
Koos says to his pal. "Hey Japie, check at that! Bliksem, we could buy a whole
load of that clothes... then when we get back we could resell them and make us a
"Now listen boet, when we go into the shop you keep your big mouth shut, hey!
Just you let me do all the talking plus wheeling and dealing stuff, because if
they hear your BOKSBURG accent, they might try to rip us off. I'll be giving
them my best Pretoria accent so they think we're
They go in and Koos says, "Excuse me sir, I'll take 50 of your finest suits at
R20 each, plus 100 shirts at R10 each, and 50 pairs of your trousers at just R8
each. I will be paying in cash, and taking those items with me today, if you
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You guys is from BOKSBURG, isn't you?"
"Err....ja" says Koos, "how come you know?"
The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners!"
Free State farm hand, radios to his boss, the Farm manager.
"Boss, I gotta big problem here. I hit a pig with the bakkie. The Pig's' ok but
he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of the bakkie and it's wriggling &
squealing so much I can't get him out".
The manager says "OK there's a 30.06 rifle behind the seat, take it out and
shoot the pig in the head then you'll be able to remove him".
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did as you said boss. Took the
30.06 and shot the pig in his head and removed him from the Bull-bar. No problem
there, but I still can't go on."
"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager...
"Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the
right front wheel arch...............You still there boss?"
This was apparently in the Washington Post. The title of the
article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male
resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will
be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for
miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out
a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and
proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police
car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor
"That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. " I
walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... pumping away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just
went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with
a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
looked me straight in the face and said,
"A pumpkin? F*ck me, is it midnight already?"
'n Verkoopsman wat van deur tot deur loop klop aan die soveelste
deur. 'n Seuntjie, so ag jaar oud, maak die deur oop. Hy het sykouse aan
met bypassende kousophouers. In sy een hand is 'n Martini en in die ander 'n vet
"Is jou mammie tuis boeta?" vra die verkoopsman.
Die seuntjie kyk stip na hom vir twee sekondes en antwoord stadig: "Lyk dit so?"
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the
pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis
and would like some more.
"Look I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the
container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This
is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to
use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man
should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to
ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and
perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can
really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out
in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother
was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done
right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes," the photographer replied, "and, for more than three hours, too."
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um,
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to
be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.
Jannie sit een oggend op die sypaadjie met 'n bottel swembadsuur
besig om dit oor die miere uit te gooi soos hulle verbykruip. 'n Engelse
priester loop verby, kyk die storie uit en vra: "Good morning, young man. What
are you doing with that little bottle?"
"Ek brand die miere, oom." Die priester dink dat dit bietjie gevaarlik is vir
die laaitie om met sulke tipe van suur te speel en probeer dink aan 'n manier om
Jannie te laat vaar van sy planne: "I have a bottle of holy water here that you
could put on the ants instead. I once put a drop of this on a woman's
belly and she passed a child."
"Daai's niks", sê Jannie "ek het eenkeer 'n druppel van hierie goed op 'n hond
se ballas gesit ........ and he passed a Kawasaki."
Seuntjie vra sy ma: "Waar kom ek vandaan?"
Sy antwoord: "Liewe Jesus het jou gemaak en vir mamma en pappa gegee."
Hy vra toe: "En waar kom mamma en pappa vandaan?"
Sy antwoord: "Jesus het ons ook gemaak en vir ons mamma's en pappa's gegee.
Hulle is jou ouma's en oupa's."
"En Mamma, waar kom ouma en oupa vandaan?" vra hy.
Sy antwoord: "Liewe Jesus het hulle ook gemaak en hulle vir hulle mamma's en
Jannie staan so rukkie en dink.... "Jislaaik Ma, wil ma dan vir my sê niemand in
die familie het die afgelope 200 jaar seks gehad nie - g'n wonder almal is so
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a
last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go
up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These
two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't
know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of
their business. As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I
think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "Could be worse I think mine was a witch."
"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little
bite, then she farted and flew out the window."
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, then
spots the perfect car - a BMW M4 and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to
feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she
looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and
hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day,
Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is
the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just
touching it, you are going to kak when you hear the price!"
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty
all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd
hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep
with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single.
Just let it go.."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering:......"Dave............................you're a vet".
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade
listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married.
She goes on and on and on......
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and
kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at
least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
Wa' kom die sêding - Ek het
jou lief vandaan? :
Adam en Eva was Capies...
Eva bad innie stroompie en haar blaartjie dryf wêg...
Toe sy klaar is en oppie wal kom, toe staan Adam da en swaai haar blaartjie
hien en wier, en sê:
"Eva, êk't djou 'leaf'.
'n Verpleegster grawe in haar handsak vir 'n pen om 'n tjek uit
te skryf. Sy haal 'n anal koorspen uit. "Verdomp" sug sy, "een of
ander poepol het alweer my pen".
After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets
and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle
through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad,
grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the
yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she
asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.
"And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and
Johnny wanted to nail one of the girls in his office.....
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a
$100 if you let me drill you.
The girl said, "NO." Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the
floor, You bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.
She called her boyfriend and told him the story.
The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money Very fast. He
won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was
waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend
called and asked what happened......
She said, "The bastard used coins!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before
agreeing to it and getting screwed.
Die eend loop by die kroeg in en vra die kroegman: " Het jy
Eend: Enige brood?
Eend: niks brood nie?
Kroegman: Nee, ons het nie enige &*^%$ brood nie!!!
Eend: Nie eers ou brood nie?
Kroegman: Is jy doof of wat? Ons het nie &*^%$ brood nie!! As jy my weer
vra, gaan ek jou &*^%$ bek aan die kroegtoonbank vasspyker
Eend: Het jy spykers?
Eend: En brood?
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation. Suddenly she sneezes,
and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre
followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he
shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place
for a nightcap ....... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful,
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy
"No," she replies........."You just happened to catch my eye."
'n Bosveldboer storm die huis binne en gil: "Vrou, gee daar vir
my 'n skoon broek. Ek het my nou lelik vererg vir 'n bliksemse leeu!"
From a Zimbabwean newspaper:
While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the
bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen for a few beers. When he got back to
his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen.
Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus
at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people
board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental
hospital, where he hastily handed over his charges, warning the nurses that they
were particularly excitable.
Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions
were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients:
nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably
back into Zimbabwean society.
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and
said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the
candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a
But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs?" (Matzo:very thin brittle biscuit of unleavened
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap
him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the
manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and
about once every year...they send us a complete dick !"
A man boarded an aircraft in New York and took his seat. As he
settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized
she was heading straight towards his seat and, Bingo! She took the seat right
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniac Convention in France."
He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality."
"Really," he smiled, "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the
most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most
likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the
best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent. We have found that
the best potential lovers in all categories are the Afrikaners."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even
know your name."
"Running Bear," the man said...."Running Bear Moodley van der Walt, but you can
call me Frik."
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink
and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,
cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel! : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to
the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is
after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get
their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next
day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in
one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we
raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they
hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't
count your chickens before they're hatched'." "That was a fine story
Sarah." said the teacher.
Michael, do you have a story to share?" asked the teacher. "Yes. My daddy
told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on
a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a
machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with
the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with
the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy
tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."
A drunk man smelling of beer sat down on a subway next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened
his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the
priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around
with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his
paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have
you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster
for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old
hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I
will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over
the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a
chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old
rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off
running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young
rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and
gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front
porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he
blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome
youth and arrogance!
Some high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To save
money, they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because
he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with
him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first coach slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just
sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair
all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that
Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a
man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we
got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long."
Ou Oom aan sy vrou: "Ek het my ID verloor en moes my grys
borshare wys om my old age pension te kon trek"
Ou Vrou: "As jy jou broek afgetrek het kon jy disability pension ook gekry het!.."
An old man lived alone in Cape Town. He wanted to spade his
potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Clement, who used to
help him, was in Polsmoor Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
described his predicament.
"Dear Clement, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles
would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Papa"
A few days later he received a letter from his son. "Dear Papa, for
heaven's sake, Papa, don't dig up that garden, that's where I Buried the BODIES.
At 4 A.M. the next morning, the Scorpion Unit, NIA agents and local police
showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized
to the old man and left. That same day the old
man received another letter from his son.
"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances. Love Clement."
Free State"Boer" walks into his local bar and to his surprise
finds a little Japanese man sitting in his regular chair.
"Kleingat, you sommer sitting op my stoel" he angrily shouts. Before he
knows it the Jap is up and knocks the farmer flying. After the farmer
recovers he asks: "What the blerry hell was that?"
"Zat martial art from my country Japan" replies the Jap and strolls off in a
The following day the farmer finds the Jap in "His" seat again. The farmer goes:
"You is alweer sitting op my stoel" and again the Jap knocks the farmer out with
some nifty Kung Fu. On regaining consciousness the farmer asks: "What the blerry
hell was that?"
"Zat Karate from my country Japan" and as stroppy as ever ambles off.
Now the farmer is dik die moer in......... The next day the farmer finds the Jap
sitting in "His" chair again! "So, you is alweer sitting op my stoel. Vat
So" and he knocks the daylights out of the Jap with one blow. The little Jap
comes around after some time and asks the farmer what was that?
The farmer replies: "That, my china was a bliksemse Isuzu 2.8 litre turbo diesel
bakkie se wheelspanner....also from your country Japan
Water & Wine Education:
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at
the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli
(E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of
Poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer
or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of
boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poo
WINE = HEALTH
Free yourself of Poo, drink WINE!!! It is better to drink wine and talk shit
than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this
valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and
on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In
front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you
cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the
giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What
must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk
Onderwyser: As ek vir jou twee hasies gee, en nog twee hasies en nog twee,
hoeveel sal jy hê?
Jannie: Sewe, meneer.
Onderwyser: Nee, luister mooi. As ek vir jou twee hasies gee, en nog twee en
nog twee, hoeveel hasies sal jy hê?
Onderwyser: Kom ek stel dit anders. As ek vir jou twee appels gee, en nog
twee en nog twee, hoeveel appels sal jy hê?
Ondrwyser: Mooi so. Nou as ek vir jou twee hasies gee en nog twee en nog twee,
hoeveel hasies sal jy hê?
Onderwyser: Hoe op aarde kom jy by sewe uit?
Jannie: Ek het al 'n hasie by die huis.
Van goes to a builders' supply shop and asks for 3,500,000
"Sjoe! What are you building?" the guy at the till asks.
"A braai." replies Van.
"Three and a half million bricks for a braai. You sure about that?"
"Ja boet... My flat's on the 14th floor"
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right
behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she
know they went home early??
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent
playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in quick workout at the spa before
meeting dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she
got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
Philemon had a bad attendance record with the company he worked
for, particularly being late for work. He was called to a disciplinary
hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons.
"I get up in de morning. I shower to avoid de Aids, I look in de mirror and try
tuh straiten my hair. Then I sumtimes miss de texi and then I am late."
His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Philemon's colleagues to sneak into
Philemon's rooms and steal the mirror off the wall, without Philemon's
The following day Philemon does not turn up for work. The same happens the day
after that. So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to explain his
reasons for not attending work.
"I get up in de morning. I shower to avoid de Aids, I look in de mirror. I
see no Philemon. I think Philemom alredy left for work"
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I
should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Piet and Anna went to the Garies Landbou Skou every year.
Every year, Piet would ask: "Anna, ek wil bietjie in daai helikopter vlieg."
And every year, Anna would answer: "Jong, Piet, daai helikopter vlug kos vyftig
rand. En vyftig rand is vyftig rand!"
One year, Piet and Anna went to the fair again. Piet said: "Jong, Anna, vandag
is ek 71 jaar oud. As ek nie nou op daardie helikopter klim nie, dan kan ek
maar vergeet." Anna replies: "Jong Piet, daai helikopter vlug kos vyftig rand.
En vyftig rand is vyftig rand!"
The pilot overheard them, and since it was a quiet day, he decided to have some
fun. "Ek se julle wat. Ek neem julle altwee vir 'n rytjie. As julle vir die
hele vlug stil bly, dan is die vlug verniet. So nie, dan betaal julle vyftig
Piet and Anna agree to the conditions, and into the chopper they got..
The pilot took off, and did all sorts of rolls, dives, twists, turns and tricks.
Not a word was said. He did all his tricks over again, this time even scaring
himself. Still not a word was said.
They landed and the pilot turned to Piet: "Bliksem! So iets het ek nog nie
gesien nie! Ek het tot myself bang gevlieg, maar julle twee het niks gese nie!"
Piet replied: "Ek wou so graag iets gese het toe Anna uitgemoer het, maar vyftig
rand is vyftig rand"
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a
glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just
ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!", says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist
told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens
were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
A woman sitting at a restaurant in Boksburg suddenly began to cough while
eating a giant country-fried steak. After a few seconds it became apparent that
she was in real distress, and two locals at the next table turned to look at
"Kan you like to swallow?", asked one.
The woman signaled 'No', desperately shaking her head.
"Kan you like to breeve?" asked the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No.'
With that, the first Boksburg dweller walked over to her, lifted up the Back of
her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and down the
woman's butt crack. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
The man slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another sip of his
Klippies & Coke. His partner said in admiration , "Jislaaaik, I did heard of
that Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I never did saw anybody done it before.."
The judge asks Jacob Zuma "Why are your eyes always so red after
sex?". Zuma replies "Eish, I think it's the peppa spray!"
One day a teacher thought that she had enough of what she
Every morning when she came to the Afrikaans students to give them an English
lecture she greets them as follows; "Good morning Class!" and every single time
only one boy gets up out of the whole class and greets the teacher back.
She decided to greet them again this particular day, and again only one boy
stood up and greeted her...
She then decided to call him up to her desk and ask him loud enough for everyone
"Why is it that every time I greet the whole class, only you stand up to greet
He replied to the teacher in English: "It's because I'm the only person in this
class whose name is Klaas!!!"
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him. "No way and no needles. I
hate needles!" the patient says. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas
and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the
gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to
taking a pill. "No," the patient says, "I am fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra
tablet." The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," says the dentist "but it will give you something to hold onto when
I pull out your tooth!"
Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was
visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the
water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those
little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark nets," the Aussie told him.
"What a great country this is!" said the South African, deeply impressed.
"We'd never get away with that at home!"
'n Jong man en sy poppie parkeer een aand hul motor langs die
Die aanvanklike handjie vashouery ontaard later in 'n vurige passie, maar toe
drange op sy hewigste is stoot die poppie hom weg en sê: "Verskoon tog, ek moes
jou vroeer gesê het, ek is 'n prostituut en my tarief is R100."
Die gang van die natuur kan nie gestuit word nie en die man betaal.
Toe hulle klaar is, sit hy rustig en rook in stilte 'n sigaret. Later kan
die Poppie dit nie meer verduur nie en vra: "Wel wanneer vat jy my terug Stad
"O! Verskoon tog" sê die man, "ek moes jou dalk vroeer gesê het - ek is eintlik
'n taxibestuurder en die koste terug stad toe is R150."
Secretary walks into her boss' office and says "I've got good
news and bad news!"
Boss says "Give me the good news, I don't have the strength for any bad news
Secretary says "You're not sterile after all"
A taxi driver runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop. He thinks he's
smarter than the cop, and (knowing there's a non-existent conviction rate for
taxi drivers), decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the same
Cop: "License please!"
Taxi driver: "WHAT for!?"
Cop: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign!"
Taxi driver: "Heish! I slowed down, and nobody was coming!"
Cop: "You still didn't come to a complete stop! License please!"
Taxi driver: "What's the DIFFERENCE!?"
Cop: "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop! That's the LAW!
Taxi driver: "Heish! If you can show me the DIFFERENCE between SLOW DOWN and
STOP, me I can give you my license, and you give me the ticket! If not, you let
me go and NO ticket!"
Cop: "Exit your vehicle, Boetie."
The taxi driver gets out of his taxi and, at this point, the cop takes out
his truncheon and starts beating the ever-loving CRAP out of the taxi driver,
and says: "Do you want me to STOP or just SLOW DOWN, Boet?"
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every
once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out,
the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the
room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please
use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there
is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that
case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the
nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a
few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to
give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir,
I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the
restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would
you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You
see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted
up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing
organizations retire to the bar at the end of the day.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman: "In Australia, we make the best
bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the king of
them all - gimme a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL
King of beers."
Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, follows by stating that Grolsch is the
ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of foam on top.
Norman, chairman of SAB, is next: "Barman, give me a diet Coke with ice and
The other four stare at him in stunned silence, then Bruce asks: "Aren't you
going to have a Castle, Norm?"
Norman replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."
Koos stap eendag by sy dokter se spreekkamer in en kla dat hy
dink dat hy dalk 'n lintwurm het.
Die dokter het hom deeglik ondersoek en ewe deeglik saamgestem.
Dokter: "Ek wil he jy moet more terugkom om jou behandeling te begin,en
ek wil he jy moet vir my 'n piesang en 'n koekie saambring."
Koos is effens verward, maar doen maar wat die dokter se . Die volgende
dag is hy terug met sy piesang en sy koekie.
Dokter: "Uitstekend, trek nou asseblief jou broek uit en buk vooroor.
Dit gaan niks seermaak nie."
Nou ja, wat kan hy doen? Hy trek sy broek af, buk vooroor en die dokter
druk die piesang in waar dit eintlik nie hoort nie. Hy wag 'n minuut -
presies 60 sekonde later volg die koekie die pad van die piesang.
Dokter: "Nou ja, dit was die eerste deel van jou behandeling. As jy wil he dit
moet regtig werk, kom more terug met nog 'n piesang en nog 'n koekie."
Arme Koos is daar weg met trane van pyn en vernedering in sy oë, maar die
volgende dag is hy terug; piesang, koekie en al. Presies dieselfde gebeur op dag
twee, dag drie en dag vier . . . Eers die piesang, dan die koekie .
En so gaan dit vir 'n hele week lank aan. Dokter: "Veels geluk, more is jou heel
laaste behandeling. Ek wil graag he jy moet 'n piesang en 'n hamer saambring."
Koos (bang verby; wil nie eens dink waarvoor die hamer is nie): "Nie 'n koekie
Dokter: "Nee, 'n hamer."
Die volgende dag is Koos terug - met sy piesang en sy hamer.
Dokter:"Nou ja, meneer Van der Merwe, jy ken nou al die roetine. Broek uit, buk
af. Die dokter druk die piesang op, kyk op sy horlosie en tel die hamer op.
Een minuut gaan verby. Twee minute gaan verby. Drie minute. En uiteindelik na
vier minute.... druk die wurm sy klein koppie by Koos se alie uit en skree:.............
"Waar's my koekie!!!??"
'n Vrou loop rond in 'n duur matwinkel. Net toe sy buk om
aan 'n mooi mat te voel poep sy kliphard. Volgende oomblik staan die
assistent langs haar.
Ongemaklik vra sy "Hoeveel kos die mat?"
Die assistent antwoord "Mevrou, as jy gepoep het toe jy aan die mat gevat het,
gaan jy definitief in jou broek kak as jy sy prys hoor."
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when
he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her
dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to
her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think
you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had
never been married.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass
bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the
water floated, of all things a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "
Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a
few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions
said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good
dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some
hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at
the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars,
Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for
a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in
Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and
insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is
silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our
There was a little
girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers
having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes." The
next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her
mother "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response,
"They are making cakes."
The next day the
girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living
room last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know that?"
She says, "Because
I licked the icing off the sofa."
Seuntjie klim op die bus vir skool, en toe hy gaan sit begin hy
"As my pa 'n leeu was en my ma was leeu, dan was ek 'n leeuwelpie!
As my pa 'n koning was en my ma 'n koninging, dan was ek 'n prins!"
Busdrywer raak geiriteerd met die klein laaitie se singery!
Toe laaitie weer begin sing, se die drywer:
"As jou pa 'n poepol was, en jou ma 'n hoer, wat was jy dan ?"
Laaitie antwoord, "Seker 'n busdrywer oom!"
Vraag aan 85 jarige man "Wanneer het Oom laas seks gehad?"
Oom: "So 1950"
"Dit was darem lank gelede ne' oom?"
Oom: "Nee wat, dis nou eers 20h30"
An Australian, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible
shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there
a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch
the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze
was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep
started looking better and better to the Australian. Soon, he leaned over to the
sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely
until the Australian took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there
was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only
survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Australian
had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly
nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening
It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle
breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Australian started to
get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally
gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Conversation between Baboo & his son.
Baboo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Baboo: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Baboo approaches Bill Gates.
Baboo: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Baboo: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Baboo goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Baboo: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Baboo: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Hoekom klop mans se harte vinniger, raak hulle kniee lam, word
hulle kele droog en dink hulle irrasioneel as 'n vrou leerklere dra?
Sy ruik soos 'n nuwe bakkie.
A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend lying in bed replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep you
The man returns: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
Quote of the day
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean . . . . . . . . .
....... Against bars, poles and tables.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one
in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife
asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His
wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to
go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came
home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get
the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew,
the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted
that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen
for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said,
"That's wonderful isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when
he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers,
Die pilot kondig af: "Ladies and gentlemen. We are now entering the
Ethiopian airspace. Here 40% of the population are infected with TB. The
other 60% are infected with the HIV virus."
"Wat sê daai ou?" vra Mike vir Kallie.
Hy sê "As die vliegtuig nou val , moet ons net dié spyker wat
Hasie en mampoer
Da' bo innie Bosveld stap hasie eendag so deurie gras en
kom oppe borrel mampoer af wat innie son gelê het.
Hy vat 'n paar slukke, ma' ie witblits skop hom so lat hy net daar uitpaas.
Jakkals kom verby, sien vir hasie ennie bottel, dog toe hy sal ook so sluk vat
voor hy vir hasie eet. Maar die warm mampoer kap hom ook om.
So lê die twee nou daar toe hiëna verby kom, hy kon sy geluk nie glo nie en
drink ook an ie bottel; selle storie, val net daar neer, uit-gepaas.
Leeu kom toe op ie storie af, besluit hy eet nie aan jakkalse en hiëna's nie,
en daarby is die haas te klein om eers oor te worrie. Hy vat toe maar 'n paar
groot slukke en kort-voor-lank slaan hy ook neer.
Met die begin hasie roer, sit regop met 'n hewige hoofpyn. Hy skud sy kop,trek
sy ore reg en kyk toe so om hom. Toe sien hy hoe lê leeu, jakkals en hiëna
uitgepaas om hom. Hy mompel: "Hel, smaak my mos ek raak aggressief as ek
Blond huil vreeslik tydens die geboorte van haar tweeling.
Dr vra verbaas "hoekom huil jy so vreeslik, jy het dan nounet 'n
tweeling ryker geraak?" "Ja", sê sy, "maar ek weet nie wie
die pa van
die tweede een is nie "
Juffrou vra vir Gatiep om vir haar die verskil tussen massa en
gewig te verduidelik.
"Neeiii Juffrou," se Gatiep "dis mos maklik. Ma pa kom nou
die aand by die huis en se vir my ma "Jy't bietjie gewig opgetel.""
"My ma se toe vir jou "Jou massa moer""
One day Sipho was enjoying the sun at the beach in South Africa.
A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing?"
Sipho answered, "No, I am Sipho."
Another guy came and asked him the same question. Sipho answered,
"No! No! Me Sipho!"
A third one came and asked him the same question again. Sipho was
totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw a certain guy soaking in the sun. He went up to him and
asked, "Are you Relaxing?"
This guy was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Sipho slapped him in his face and said, " Hey wena. Everyone is
looking for you and you are sitting over here!"
Sipho will baie graag "personalised" nommer plate he
vir sy taxi, maar kan nie R 3 000 bekostig daarvoor nie. Toe betaal hy
eerder R 500 by Binnelandse Sake en verander sy naam na BCX 584 GP.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing ...
Oom vra apteker vir 'n kwart sterkte Viagra.
Apteker: 'n kwart sal oom nooit 'n ereksie gee nie!
Oom: Ek's nie gepla oor 'n ereksie nie. Ek wil net nie meer op my skoene
Die ou gaan gereeld jag en sy vrou moet altyd by die huis
bly. Sy besluit toe om vir haar `n geweer te koop en saam te gaan jag. Op die
plaas aangekom sê hy vir haar om links teen die rivier af te loop dan loop hy
regs teen die rivier af. Hulle sal dan weer mekaar onder by die hoof hek ontmoet.
So gesê, so gedaan.
Hy het skaars 200 meter geloop toe hy drie skote hoor klap.
Hy hardloop terug in haar rigting en by die rivier kry hy haar. Sy
stry kliphard met `n man "Meneer, dit is my Kudu die ek het hom eerste
gesien en drie kopskote gegee!"
"Goed mevrou, ek gaan nie verder met jou stry nie, vat
dan die kudu vir jou, maar gee jy om as ek darem net my saal en toom van
jou kudu afhaal!?"
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her
neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster
was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's
inside your stupid cat!"
THE BOERE COMPUTER DICTIONARY
Log on: Make the braai hotter
Log off: The braai is too hot
Monitor: Keeping an eye on the braai
Download: Get the firewood off the bakkie
Hard drive: Trip back home without beer
Floppy disc: What you get from lifting to much firewood
Keyboard: Where you hang the bakkie and motor bike keys
Windows: What you shut when its too cold
Byte: What mosquitoes do
Bit: What mosquitoes did
Megabyte: What mosquitoes at the lake do
Chip: A bar snack
Microchip: What is left after you eat the chips
Modem: What you did with the lawns
Dot Matrix: Jan Matrix's wife
Laptop: Where the cat sleep
n Taalhandhawer en sy nors vrou hou by 'n vulstasie stil. 'Vul
asseblief die brandstoftenk, gaan die olievlak na en kyk of daar nie fout met
die knormoer van die motor is nie,' is sy opdrag.
Na 'n rukkie kom die pompjoggie na hom toe. 'Oubaas, ek het
gefill-up en die olie gecheck, maar ek dink ons moet die oumiesies net so laat
The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbee's get bigger
and bigger the closer they get.............
Then it hit me.
A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that
the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although
familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do
you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might
be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Ooh!"
he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the
snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet
"No" she replies, "I'm your sons' English Teacher"
Wat is die definisie van 'n Bachelor?
'n Man wat Saterdag aand dorp toe gaan, saad plant en dan Sondag bid vir 'n
Die toeriste kom in Hluhluwe aan in Zoeloeland
en kan nie besluit oor hoe om die naam uit te spreek nie. Na 'n groot debat
besluit hulle om maar iets te gaan eet. Hulle kom toe in die restaurant aan en
besluit om die kelnerin te vra: "Ag sal jy asseblief so gaaf wees om ons te
vertel hoe mens julle plekkie se naam uitspreek?" "Ja seker" is
die kelnerin se antwoord, "'n Mens spreek dit so uit: Sspuuurr!"
As 'n man laat by die huis kom, na bier en parfuum ruik, met lipstiffie op sy
kraag, sy vrou op die boud raps en se "Jy's volgende Vettie!!"
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her
a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of
the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now
complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your
breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toiletpaper, and rub it
between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands
in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops.
"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day
will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the
herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed
first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest
brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But
naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way,
regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain
a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are
all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's
Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that
one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
"Where's Robert Mugabe's?" asked the man.
"Bob's clock is in the canteen. We're using it as a ceiling fan."
'n Man wil 'n bra koop vir sy vrou maar weet nie wat se grote on
te koop nie. Die verkoopsdame se "Vat aan my borste, dalk is dit
Die man antwoord "O ja en sy kort nuwe panties ook."
Wat is brandende liefde?
Wanneer jy in die donker die Vaseline soek en die Vicks in die
Ou Oom Frik is 'n groot Ford aanhanger en wil 'n klein motortjie
koop. Hy lees in die koerant: Escourt Agency - en skakel sommer dadelik
"Dagse Dame. Het julle enige Escourts en hoeveel kos
"Ja meneer ons het. Hulle wissel tussen R200 en
"DONNER, my meisie. Wie het hulle so in hulle moer
Gatiep se vrou vang hom met 'n los girl in die bed, sy gooi hom
van die vierde verdieping af en skreeu : "Jou fokken insek, as jy kan steek,
kan jy vlieg ook!"
A Priest was seated next to Koos on a flight to Brakpan. After
plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. Koos asked for a Rum and Coke,
which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a
drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
let liquor touch my lips."
Koos then handed his drink back to the attendant and said
"Me too. I
didn't know we had a choice."
An Asian guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller
"Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen and today I only get
a hunat eighty?"
The bank teller said: "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says "Fluc you amelicans too!"
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this BIG
African American guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
penis , 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels
down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh
350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis , my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right
testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to
next when his telephone rang. "Howzit Saddam!", a broken
"This is Koos here from the Doringboom Bar in Welkom, South Africa. I
am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you boet!"
"Well, Koos," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?" "Right now," said Koos, after a
moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Jan, my next door
neighbour Lang Hannes, and the entire pool team from the pub. That makes eight!
" Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have one million
men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Bliksem!", said Koos. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Koos called again. "Saddam, my china, the
war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Koos?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have 4 Hilux double cabs, two combies, a bulldozer, and Vet
Gert's John Deer.
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2
million since we last spoke." "Liewe moer!" said Koos. "I'll
have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Koos rang again the next day. "Saddam, ou swaer, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified
Doepie's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
okes from the Virginia hengel klub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Koos, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My
military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Goeie donner!", said Koos, "I'll have to ring you back".
"Sure enough, Koos called again the next day. "Jis, jis, jis
Saddam! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"
"Well," said Koos, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of
Klippies en Coke, and decided there's no way we can feed two million
Die polisie kry 'n telefoon oproep om hulp. "Help asseblief, hier het
nou net 'n kat deur die venster geklim!"
"Wat bedoel jy, 'n kat?" vra die polisieman.
"'n Kat! 'n Fokken kat! Hier kom die kat vir my!"
"Maak jy 'n grap?" vra die polisieman. "Met wie praat ek?"
"Met die fokken papegaai, jou d%$@!"
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What
majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to
himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that
the bear was closing in on him.
His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even
faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the Atheist
cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then
that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying,
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others that I don't
exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to
count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but
perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And
the sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord,
bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful.
The magistrate was scolding the accused: 'This is the seventh time in three
years that you are appearing in front of me! What do you have to say for
Accused: 'Your honour, jy kan mos nie vir my blame as jy nie a promotion kan
Ma en pa vat hul vertraagde seuntjie, Marius, wildtuin toe. Marius is
heel excited, venster oop gil en giggel en gaan aan. Die volgende oomblik
storm 'n volstruis hom, pik hom dat die bloed spat. Dis net vere, geraas
en chaos in die kar!!
Marius sit so terug vir 'n paar minute, kyk vir sy ma en sê:
25 Maart - Dankie aan Casper (Dros Manager) vir die grap
In 'n klein dorpie in die Vrystaat trek 'n jong dametjie by die
dominee in oordat sy nie blyplek het nie. Die stories begin die rondtes
doen in die dorp en een van gemeente lede, Oom Daan, besluit om ondersoek in te
Hy bel die dominee en reel dat hy en sy vrou by die dominee kom
eet. Oom Daan en sy vrou bring toe al die kos en geniet 'n ete saam met
die dominee en die jong dame.
Later die week bel die dominee vir oom Daan. "Oom
Daan, ek wil nou nie se julle steel nie, maar daai mooi slaai lepel wat ek in
Pakistan gekry het is weg vandat julle hier gekuier het" se die dominee.
Oom Daan antwoord "Dominee, ek wil nou nie se jy slaap met
daai jonge dame nie, maar as jy in jou eie bed geslaap het, dan het jy die slaai
male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.
young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your
hands and feet."
struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles Black?"
she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly,
"That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are... my...
A Sadist, a Masochist, a Murderer, a Necrofile, a Zoofile and a Pyromaniac
are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?", asked the Zoofile.
"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it!", says the Sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it", shouted
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with
it again", said the Necrofile.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again
and then burn it", said the Pyromaniac.
Silence took over....then everyone turned to the Masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
And he replies: "Meow"...
One morning while making breakfast, Gatiep walked up to
Maraai and slapped her on her thigh and said, "Ek se, ou Dikkes, if
you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle neh!!
She just gave him the evil eye and replied with silence. The next morning Gatiep
woke Maraai with a pinch on the breast and said, "Dolly Parton, if you
firmed these up we could get rid of your bra, ne? "This was beyond a silent
response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his manhood. With a death grip
in place she said, "Jy weet ou Slappes, if you firmed this up we could get
rid of the postman, the gardener, your neighbor, the plumber, the pool man en
jou broer, né......!
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and
now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't
know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the
pool and I think he's dead"
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...
Is this 555-7039?? "
10 Februarie - Dankie aan Casper (Dros Manager) vir die Grap
Drie ooms, Piet, Sarel en Koos is goeie ou jag vriende.
Hulle jag gereeld saam maar oom Piet drink verskriklik.
Die drie gaan jag vir die naweek in die Vrystaat, en oordat oom
Sarel en Koos vir oom Piet goed ken, vat hulle genoeg dop saam vir vier naweke
se kuier. Kom die manne by die jag kamp aan, skink oom Piet vir almal 'n
dop. Oom Sarel en Koos is nog besig met die eerste klippies en coke toe
Oom Piet die eerste bottie klippies klaar maak.
So gaan dit aan tot later in die aand toe oom Piet uitpaas en al
die dop is klaar. Oom Sarel en Koos besluit om vir oom Piet 'n les te leer
en skiet skelm 'n rooibok. Hulle slag die bok af en steek die derms en
binnegoed in oom Piet se broek daar waar hy in sy dronkenskap uitgepaas le.
Die volgende more roep die moeder natuur vir oom Piet na die 4
kaste klippies en 8 kaste coke wat hy gedrink het. Hy storm in die bos in
en bly weg vir drie ure. Oom Sarel en Koos begin bekommerd raak toe oom
Piet weer uit die bos gesuiker kom. Hulle vra hom toe hoekom is hy so lank
Oom Piet se toe hy sy broek los maak om te pee, toe val al sy
derms uit en dit vat hom toe drie ure om alles terug te druk.
'n Klomp boere hou vergadering in die Vrystaat oor die jakkalse wat die skape
so afmaai. Natuurbewaring stuur 'n jong dametjie om die boere te kom oortuig om
nie die diere uit te wis nie. 'n Paar voorstelle word daar aan die vergadering
Een idee is om die mannetjie jakkalse te vang en steriliseer, en so getalle
te begin beheer sonder om die spesie uit te wis. Sit een omie baie aandagtig en
luister en op die uitnodiging om vrae te stel, vra hy sy beurt aan en sê:
"Juffrou jy verstaan nie die probleem so mooi nie. Die jakkalse steek nie
ons skape nie, hulle EET hulle."
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole; the other
would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day
without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they
were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are
putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner
follows behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, " Eish, normally we are a
three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
Two old ladies sit in a coffee shop. One asks "Did
you come on the bus today?"
"Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack..."
As dit te stil word, raak jy alleen want dit lat jou dink aan
die verlede, slegte tye, 'n goor verhouding, en hope probleme. Breek
eerder die stilte, EN POEP!!
"As daar enige idiote in die
lesingsaal is, sal hulle asseblief opstaan?" vra die
sarkastiese lektor. Ná 'n lang stilte staan 'n eerstejaartjie
"Ja meneer, hoekom beskou jy jouself as 'n idioot?" wil die lektor
"Ek dink nie eintlik so nie," verduidelik die student. "Maar ek
voel sleg dat u so alleen moet staan."