Grappe

Philemon gets to work badly bruised and full of blood. The lady he works for is very concerned, "What on earth happened?"
"Eish ma'am, the baas hit me"
"Those days are over Philemon. We're going to report this to the Police. Which baas hit you?" "The Putco 'baas' miesies"

Die twee ou skool pelle, Piet en Koos, loop mekaar raak na twintig jaar.
"Haai, ou Piet, jy lyk goed man. Wat het jy met jou lewe gedoen na skool?" vra Koos.
"Nee," sê Piet, "ek het Tale gaan swot op Tukkies en het my Honneurs behaal. Daar het ek toe ook my vrou ontmoet. Sy skryf gedigte en prosa en het 'n Meestersgraad in Letterkunde. My seun is 'n konsertpianis in Amerika vir die Amerikaanse Philharmoniese orkes en my dogter is die hoofballerina in London se balletgeselskap.... Julle moet een aand oorkom dan hou ons 'n kultuur-aand. En wat het jy met jou lewe gedoen, Koos?"
"Nee," sê Koos, "ek was mos al op skool al 'n bietjie bakleierig en het toe na skool maar 'n bokser geword. Daar het ek ook my vrou ontmoet, die dogter van 'n promotor, en in daai tyd kon vrouens mos nie boks nie toe begin sy met karate en sy het haar black belt gekry voor ons eerste kind. Ons seun het onlangs sy nasionale kleure gekry in stoei en my dogter verteenwoordig ons land in Judo.... Julle moet een aand oorkom dan moer ons julle."

I had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman I met at a bar. She looked pretty darn HOT for 57. She was drinking quite a bit, and while we were chatting, she came right out and asked me if I'd ever had a "sportsman's double:" A mother and daughter threesome! I said 'no', but she might be able to talk me into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth, and looking directly into my eyes, she tells me, "Tonight's your lucky night." So we go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as we enter, and she shouts upstairs…."Mom! You still awake?"

A ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi: "Can I talk to your dog?
Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f***ing liar!!!"

Last night while watching tv I saw that Wimpy advert and I decided to try it with my cherrie. After I said to her - "CAFE LATTE" she just ignored me. After I said MACCIATTO she told me to shut up. Just before I could finish saying CUPPACHINO, she slaps me with a moerse klap. I asked her "what did you do that for now?" she replied "Do I look like a f#%ken foreigner - can't you use words like BLACK LABEL, HANSA, CASTLE or RED HEART, jou bliksem "

After having their 11th child, a Brakpan couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children...

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy but that it was expensive. (For people staying in Brakpan, paying more than R50 for anything other than booze, car accessories or a sound system, is expensive).

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Brakpan), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10! The man said : "Aag, yinne, I maait not be de cleverest oke in the wurlt, but I dussin see how putting a cherrie borm in a beer can, next to my ear, is going to help me. "

"Trust me, " said the doctor...

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: " Wun, twooo, freee, forrr, faaaiife, " at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand…

Die boer lê en slaap in sy huis toe die selfoon skielik begin lui. Toe hy antwoord, is dit ou Petrus op die plaas. Petrus sê: "Baas, baas, jy moet gou kom, hier's groot moeilikheid oppie plaas." Die boer vra toe "Petrus, Wat is fout?" Petrus: "Ek, ek kannie oor die phone verduidelik nie, jy, jy moet kom hier by die plaas." Toe die boer daar kom sê Petrus: "Een vannie skape, hy het hom die 7 babies gekry, enne die skaap hy sallie hom nie kan voer almal van daai babies nie." Die boer besef toe dat hulle die lammers maar self met bottels sal moet voer en ry toe na die noodapteek toe en vra vir die dame agter die toonbank, "Verskoon tog dame, het jy lam tiete?" Koel en kalm antwoord sy: "Nee, Meneer, dis net 'n kak bra."

"Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!"
"E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!"
The next day: "Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night."
"Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back."
"Sorry Sipho, I did already spent that money.."
"Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow." So, Bongani brought the dead cow to Sipho the next morning. A few weeks later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow: "You won't believe, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold 251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R850! But, I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead."
"Yoh! And the people they didn't complain?"
"Eish! Only the guy which won! So, I gave him back his R5 and he was happy!" Sipho is now in parliament.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee".

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered "THE TEETH."

"Krokodil!!!!!!!, Krokodillllllllll!!!!!!!!" skree hy in sy woede. Krokodil wonder toe wat aan gaan en hy steek sy kop bo die water. Mierjtie skree weer.."Krokodil! klim uit die blerrie water uit!" Krokidil kyk toe die storie so en wonder wat vandag met miertjie aan gaan en miertjie skree weer, maar die keer met vollebors, "K R O K O D I L klim uit die donnerse water uit!" Krokodil klim toe maar heel skrikkerig uit die water uit, want miertjie is heeltemal befok vandag.
Miertjie loop toe al langs die rivier totdat hy by Seekoei kom en hy skree,"SEEKOEI! S E E K O E I!!! V. E. T. G. A .T! Klim uit die bliksemse water uit!" Maar nou is miertjie eers bedonnerd en die bloed POMP na sy brein. Na 'n rukkie skree miertjie weer, "Seekoei klim uit die FOKKEN Water uit!" Seekoei bekyk die storie so en wonder wat fout is met miertjie vandag, maar tog klim Seekoei bangerig uit die water uit.
Intussen vlieg valk verby en sien dat miertjie nie in 'n goeie bui is nie en hy vra "maar miertjie wat is fout?"
En miertjie skree "I E M A N D ???????????? HET MY FOKKEN SWEMBROEK GESTEEL!"

Die dronkie kies kortpad deur die begrafplaas en neuk in 'n oop graf. Later die nag begin dit reen en die outjie kry koud... Huil hy kliphard: "Help ag jimmel - iemand, help my tog, dis koud hier onder". Stap Gatiep verby (ook maar lekker gesuip), steek vas, loer in die graf, gryp 'n graaf en begin die hoop sand ingooi terwyl hy troos: " Toemaar, toemaar, ek ishhhh hier - dishhhh g'n wonner jy kry koutie - jy't jousjelf dan oopgesjkop"

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "OK, Get in the car with it." The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?" said the wife. And the man replied, "Just hold its little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with, died at the scene.

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. 'May we see the new baby?" one asked. 'Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "When he cries!" she told them. "When he cries?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM.... O.K.?"

Die twee eerstejaar studente het 'n bietjie te ver met die vryery gegaan, en besluit om die nooi se ouers die naweek op die plaas oor die onverwagste swangerskap te gaan inlig. Die hele aand het die kêrel gewroeg oor hoe hy die voorgenome skoonouers oor hul lot gaan vertel, maar hy kom nie sover om dit te doen nie. Die nag het hy sleg geslaap en die volgende more was hy vroeg op. Hy was heel verbaas om oral op die werf net Toyotas te sien. In die motorhuis het 'n Camry gestaan, onder die boom 'n Hilux bakkie en in die stoor was 'n Land Cruiser. Selfs die plaas se naambord was geborg deur Toyota. Terwyl hy hom so verwonder, groet die oom hom skielik. Die arme kêrel skrik hom flou. Maar kenmerkend van 'n vindingryke student herstel hy gou en vra die oom uit oor sy baie Toyotas. "Toyotas het baie goeie masjiene. Hul ratkaste gee nie in nie. Die Land Cruiser se vere kan jy maar laat werk. Die onderstelle hou vir ewig. En selfs in die winter sukkel 'n mens nie om die Toyotas te start nie," sê die oom. Waarop die kêrel vinnig antwoord: "Oom se dogter is seker ook 'n Toyota. Ek het haar net so 'n ligte stootjie gegee, toe vat sy."

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Jannie se ouma kuier oppie plaas en Jannie hardloop by die plaashuis in waar sy ma en ouma besig is om middag ete voor te berei. "Ma, Ma, die bul spyker 'n koei!" Ouma skrik haar boeglam en kry omtrent 'n hartaanval.
Jannie se ma gryp hom aan die oor en trek hom buitentoe en sê "luister nou mooi Jannie, jy kannie rondloop en sulke lelike woorde gebruik nie, gebruik iets anders soos... uuhhhh .... sê eerder die bul verras die koei"
'n Paar minute later hardloop Jannie weer in die kombuis in; "Ma, Ma, die bul verras nou al die koeie!"
"Onmoontlik Jannie" sê sy ma, "Die bul kannie al die koeie verras nie". "Ja hy kan!!" sê Jannie, "Want hy spyker nou die perd!!!"

On the 2nd tee of the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair, it meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me." His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the 17th tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me of your affair. Since we're being honest with each other I have something to tell you also. Thirty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me"
The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers. He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been - playing off the ladies tees!"

Oom Kallie en Tant Anna ry in New York toe 'n taxi langs hulle stop. Die taxidriver se toe vir hulle: "Good morning!" Tant Anna vra toe vir Oom Kallie: "Pappa, wat sê hy?" Toe antwoord Oom Kallie: "Ag, hy sê sommer hallo." En hulle ignoreer die taxidriver heeltemal. Toe vra die taxidriver: "Hey, where you from?" Tant Anna vra toe: "Pappa, wat se die man?" Oom Kallie antwoord: "Ag, hy vra sommer waarvandaan ons kom." En hulle antwoord "South Africa". Die taxidriver sê toe: "Hey, I've been to South Africa and I had the worst sex there ever!" Tant Anna vra toe weer: "Pappa, wat se hy?" Oom Kallie: "Hy sê hy ken jou!

Francois came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Francois, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Francois was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Francois was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Francois, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Francois "Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting:..... "Francois, skrik wakker jou dronk vark, jy KAK innie bed!!!"

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated. A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him. She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe, darling.."
Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't "darling" me. The deal was very clear!! "Until death do us part!""

SARS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the SARS office. The SARS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the SARS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the SARS man's desk. The auditor leap's with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney just moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over a SARS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Die onnie vra vir die aardrykskunde-klas: "Watter deel van die son is die warmste?"
Jannie antwoord dadelik: "Bladsy 3, juffrou!"

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Edward Longshanks het met 4 000 troepe Suid-Afrika toe gekom om die Boere op te f... By die slagveld gekom sien hy doer in die verte op 'n koppie staan 'n figuur met blonde hare, kortbroek aan met 'n kam in sy kous. "Rooinek!" skree die Boer op die koppie. "Kom hier jou Engelse moer! I will gives you one helluva gatskop!" Edward draai om na sy bevelvoerder en sê: "Take 20 men and deal with that Boer upstart!" Die bevelvoerder stuur 20 man om die Boer te gaan soek. Tien minute later staan die Boer weer op die koppie. "You! English donner! Stuur the rest of your Rooinekke. I will f.. them almal op!" Edward raak nou ietwat geïrriteerd en sê vir die bevelvoerder: "Take 100 men and kill that little guttersnipe!" Die bevelvoerder stuur 100 man oor die koppie. 'n Rukkie later staan die Boer so waar as wragtig weer op die randjie en skree: "Hey, you ...t! Jou ma se .! I is just warming up! Come moer me dik!" Toe verloor Edward kop en stuur 400 troepe om die Boer dood te maak. Tien minute later staan die Boer maar weer daar. Sy klere is geskeur en sy hare staan wild. Dis net snot, bloed en Castle. Weer skree hy: "Is dat de best ye can do? You bloody vrot pommies! Come on, come and have a go julle souties! Kom klap me stukkend!" Rooi in die gesig sê Edward vir die bevelvoerder: Take the rest of the men and don't come back untill you have killed him!" Vyf minute later kom een van die troepe al gillende en vol bloed oor die randjie gestorm: "Your majesty!" skree hy, "It's a trap! There's two of them!"

Bobby Naidoo from Durbs, applies for a job as a salesman in Vrede in the Vrystaat in a hyper store.

The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"

Bobby says: "S'true my Larnie, I was a salesman back in ** Grey street*** Durban 'n all."

Well, the boss liked the indian boytjie so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Bobby says: "Larnie, Just ONE sale 'n all."

The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"

Bobby says: " R1,401,237.64"

Boss says: "Bliksem..."R1,401, 237.64? what the hell did you sell?"

Bobby stutters: "Sir Larnie Boss man, First I sell him the small fishhook. Then I sell him medium fishhook. Then I sell him large fishhook. Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear 'n all.

Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he tunes down on the coast, so I'm tuning him he'll be needing boats 'n all in the ** Indian Ocean cause I'm Indian and I'm knowing this, so we trapped down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Ocean going Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Ford Bantam would pull it and I'm saying true 'a all, so I took him down to our jammy automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Hilux double-cab with a canopy 'n all my Larnie. I then get to ask him where he'll be staying 'n all, and since he han no possi to kip, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about a R1000 worth of groceries and two cases of beer and I'm scheming that's lekka 'n all and I gave him discount.."

The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"

Bobby tunes: "Nooit meneer, actually he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife, and I'm tuning him: "Well, since your weekends stuffed 'n
all, you might just as well go fishing.........."

Eendag merk die dominee 'n klein seuntjie in die voorportaal van die kerk op wat aandagtig na 'n groot gedenkplaat teen die muur staan en kyk. Dit was oortrek met name en daar was klein landsvlaggies weerskante. Die sewejarige seuntjie het vir 'n lang tyd aandagtig na die plaat gestaan en kyk. Toe loop die dominee nader, kom staan langs die seuntjie, en sê saggies: “Goeiemore my Seun”.
“More, Dominee” sê hy, met sy oë nog vasgenael op die plaat. “Dominee, wat is dit hierdie?” vra hy.
Die dominee antwoord: “Wel, my seun, dit is 'n gedenkplaat vir al die jongmanne wat in die diens gesterf het”. In doodse stilte en met groot eerbied staan die twee toe voor die plaat en staar na die name.
Uiteindelik, in 'n skaars hoorbare stemmetjie en bewend van vrees vra die seuntjie: “Watter diens Dominee? Die agtuur- of die elfuurdiens”

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, bitch".

Koos and Japie from BOKSBURG were in Pretoria for the Currie Cup Final when they suddenly spotted this sign on a shop window:
Suits R20--00 each
Shirts R10--00 each (Two-Tone only)
Trousers R8--00 per pair

Koos says to his pal. "Hey Japie, check at that! Bliksem, we could buy a whole load of that clothes... then when we get back we could resell them and make us a moerse fortune!"

"Now listen boet, when we go into the shop you keep your big mouth shut, hey! Just you let me do all the talking plus wheeling and dealing stuff, because if they hear your BOKSBURG accent, they might try to rip us off. I'll be giving them my best Pretoria accent so they think we're
locals."

They go in and Koos says, "Excuse me sir, I'll take 50 of your finest suits at R20 each, plus 100 shirts at R10 each, and 50 pairs of your trousers at just R8 each. I will be paying in cash, and taking those items with me today, if you don't mind."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You guys is from BOKSBURG, isn't you?"

"Err....ja" says Koos, "how come you know?"

The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners!"

Free State farm hand, radios to his boss, the Farm manager.
"Boss, I gotta big problem here. I hit a pig with the bakkie. The Pig's' ok but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of the bakkie and it's wriggling & squealing so much I can't get him out".
The manager says "OK there's a 30.06 rifle behind the seat, take it out and shoot the pig in the head then you'll be able to remove him".
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did as you said boss. Took the 30.06 and shot the pig in his head and removed him from the Bull-bar. No problem there, but I still can't go on."
"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager...

"Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right front wheel arch...............You still there boss?"

This was apparently in the Washington Post. The title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. " I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... pumping away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? F*ck me, is it midnight already?"

'n Verkoopsman wat van deur tot deur loop klop aan die soveelste deur. 'n Seuntjie, so ag jaar oud, maak die deur oop. Hy het sykouse aan met bypassende kousophouers. In sy een hand is 'n Martini en in die ander 'n vet sigaar.
"Is jou mammie tuis boeta?" vra die verkoopsman.
Die seuntjie kyk stip na hom vir twee sekondes en antwoord stadig: "Lyk dit so?"

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"Look I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to...''
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes," the photographer replied, "and, for more than three hours, too."
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.

Jannie sit een oggend op die sypaadjie met 'n bottel swembadsuur besig om dit oor die miere uit te gooi soos hulle verbykruip. 'n Engelse priester loop verby, kyk die storie uit en vra: "Good morning, young man. What are you doing with that little bottle?"
"Ek brand die miere, oom." Die priester dink dat dit bietjie gevaarlik is vir die laaitie om met sulke tipe van suur te speel en probeer dink aan 'n manier om Jannie te laat vaar van sy planne: "I have a bottle of holy water here that you could put on the ants instead. I once put a drop of this on a woman's belly and she passed a child."
"Daai's niks", sê Jannie "ek het eenkeer 'n druppel van hierie goed op 'n hond se ballas gesit ........ and he passed a Kawasaki."

Seuntjie vra sy ma: "Waar kom ek vandaan?"
Sy antwoord: "Liewe Jesus het jou gemaak en vir mamma en pappa gegee."
Hy vra toe: "En waar kom mamma en pappa vandaan?"
Sy antwoord: "Jesus het ons ook gemaak en vir ons mamma's en pappa's gegee. Hulle is jou ouma's en oupa's."
"En Mamma, waar kom ouma en oupa vandaan?" vra hy.
Sy antwoord: "Liewe Jesus het hulle ook gemaak en hulle vir hulle mamma's en pappa's gegee."
Jannie staan so rukkie en dink.... "Jislaaik Ma, wil ma dan vir my sê niemand in die familie het die afgelope 200 jaar seks gehad nie - g'n wonder almal is so bedonderd nie!"

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "Could be worse I think mine was a witch."
"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car - a BMW M4 and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to kak when you hear the price!"

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:......"Dave............................you're a vet".

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on......

Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

Wa' kom die sêding - Ek het jou lief vandaan? :

Adam en Eva was Capies...
Eva bad innie stroompie en haar blaartjie dryf wêg...
Toe sy klaar is en oppie wal kom, toe staan Adam da en swaai haar blaartjie hien en wier, en sê:
"Eva, êk't djou 'leaf'.

'n Verpleegster grawe in haar handsak vir 'n pen om 'n tjek uit te skryf. Sy haal 'n anal koorspen uit. "Verdomp" sug sy, "een of ander poepol het alweer my pen".

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.
"And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes."

Johnny wanted to nail one of the girls in his office.....
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me drill you.
The girl said, "NO." Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, You bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.
The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money Very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened......
She said, "The bastard used coins!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Die eend loop by die kroeg in en vra die kroegman: " Het jy brood?"
Kroegman: Nee
Eend: Enige brood?
Kroegman: Nee
Eend: niks brood nie?
Kroegman: Nee, ons het nie enige &*^%$ brood nie!!!
Eend: Nie eers ou brood nie?
Kroegman: Is jy doof of wat? Ons het nie &*^%$ brood nie!! As jy my weer vra, gaan ek jou &*^%$ bek aan die kroegtoonbank vasspyker
Eend: Het jy spykers?
Kroegman: Nee
Eend: En brood?

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ....... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........."You just happened to catch my eye."

'n Bosveldboer storm die huis binne en gil: "Vrou, gee daar vir my 'n skoon broek. Ek het my nou lelik vererg vir 'n bliksemse leeu!"

While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen. Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his charges, warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.
Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" (Matzo:very thin brittle biscuit of unleavened bread)
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once every year...they send us a complete dick !"

A man boarded an aircraft in New York and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and, Bingo! She took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France."
He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he smiled, "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Afrikaners."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name."

"Running Bear," the man said...."Running Bear Moodley van der Walt, but you can call me Frik."

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel! : You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken. "What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'." "That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher.

Michael, do you have a story to share?" asked the teacher. "Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

A drunk man smelling of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

Some high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To save money, they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first coach slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning."
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Ou Oom aan sy vrou: "Ek het my ID verloor en moes my grys borshare wys om my old age pension te kon trek"
Ou Vrou: "As jy jou broek afgetrek het kon jy disability pension ook gekry het!.."

An old man lived alone in Cape Town. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Clement, who used to help him, was in Polsmoor Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

"Dear Clement, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles
would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Papa"

A few days later he received a letter from his son. "Dear Papa, for heaven's sake, Papa, don't dig up that garden, that's where I Buried the BODIES. Love, Clement"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, the Scorpion Unit, NIA agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old
man received another letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Clement."

Free State"Boer" walks into his local bar and to his surprise finds a little Japanese man sitting in his regular chair.
"Kleingat, you sommer sitting op my stoel" he angrily shouts. Before he knows it the Jap is up and knocks the farmer flying. After the farmer recovers he asks: "What the blerry hell was that?"
"Zat martial art from my country Japan" replies the Jap and strolls off in a stroppy way.
The following day the farmer finds the Jap in "His" seat again. The farmer goes: "You is alweer sitting op my stoel" and again the Jap knocks the farmer out with some nifty Kung Fu. On regaining consciousness the farmer asks: "What the blerry hell was that?"
"Zat Karate from my country Japan" and as stroppy as ever ambles off.
Now the farmer is dik die moer in......... The next day the farmer finds the Jap sitting in "His" chair again! "So, you is alweer sitting op my stoel. Vat So" and he knocks the daylights out of the Jap with one blow. The little Jap comes around after some time and asks the farmer what was that?
The farmer replies: "That, my china was a bliksemse Isuzu 2.8 litre turbo diesel bakkie se wheelspanner....also from your country Japan

Water & Wine Education:
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poo
WINE = HEALTH
Free yourself of Poo, drink WINE!!! It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.

Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Onderwyser: As ek vir jou twee hasies gee, en nog twee hasies en nog twee, hoeveel sal jy hê?

Onderwyser: Nee, luister mooi. As ek vir jou twee hasies gee, en nog twee en nog twee, hoeveel hasies sal jy hê?

Onderwyser: Kom ek stel dit anders. As ek vir jou twee appels gee, en nog twee en nog twee, hoeveel appels sal jy hê?

Ondrwyser: Mooi so. Nou as ek vir jou twee hasies gee en nog twee en nog twee, hoeveel hasies sal jy hê?

Van goes to a builders' supply shop and asks for 3,500,000 bricks.
"Sjoe! What are you building?" the guy at the till asks.
"A braai." replies Van.
"Three and a half million bricks for a braai. You sure about that?"

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in quick workout at the spa before meeting dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

Philemon had a bad attendance record with the company he worked for, particularly being late for work. He was called to a disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons.

His argument:

"I get up in de morning. I shower to avoid de Aids, I look in de mirror and try tuh straiten my hair. Then I sumtimes miss de texi and then I am late."

His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Philemon's colleagues to sneak into Philemon's rooms and steal the mirror off the wall, without Philemon's knowledge.

The following day Philemon does not turn up for work. The same happens the day after that. So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to explain his reasons for not attending work.

His argument:

"I get up in de morning. I shower to avoid de Aids, I look in de mirror. I see no Philemon. I think Philemom alredy left for work"

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Piet and Anna went to the Garies Landbou Skou every year. Every year, Piet would ask: "Anna, ek wil bietjie in daai helikopter vlieg." And every year, Anna would answer: "Jong, Piet, daai helikopter vlug kos vyftig rand. En vyftig rand is vyftig rand!"

One year, Piet and Anna went to the fair again. Piet said: "Jong, Anna, vandag is ek 71 jaar oud. As ek nie nou op daardie helikopter klim nie, dan kan ek maar vergeet." Anna replies: "Jong Piet, daai helikopter vlug kos vyftig rand. En vyftig rand is vyftig rand!"

The pilot overheard them, and since it was a quiet day, he decided to have some fun. "Ek se julle wat. Ek neem julle altwee vir 'n rytjie. As julle vir die hele vlug stil bly, dan is die vlug verniet. So nie, dan betaal julle vyftig rand!"

Piet and Anna agree to the conditions, and into the chopper they got..

The pilot took off, and did all sorts of rolls, dives, twists, turns and tricks. Not a word was said. He did all his tricks over again, this time even scaring himself. Still not a word was said.

They landed and the pilot turned to Piet: "Bliksem! So iets het ek nog nie gesien nie! Ek het tot myself bang gevlieg, maar julle twee het niks gese nie!"

Piet replied: "Ek wou so graag iets gese het toe Anna uitgemoer het, maar vyftig rand is vyftig rand"

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!", says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

A woman sitting at a restaurant in Boksburg suddenly began to cough while eating a giant country-fried steak. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals at the next table turned to look at her.
"Kan you like to swallow?", asked one.
The woman signaled 'No', desperately shaking her head.
"Kan you like to breeve?" asked the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No.'
With that, the first Boksburg dweller walked over to her, lifted up the Back of her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
The man slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another sip of his Klippies & Coke. His partner said in admiration , "Jislaaaik, I did heard of that Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I never did saw anybody done it before.."

The judge asks Jacob Zuma "Why are your eyes always so red after sex?". Zuma replies "Eish, I think it's the peppa spray!"

One day a teacher thought that she had enough of what she witnessed...
Every morning when she came to the Afrikaans students to give them an English lecture she greets them as follows; "Good morning Class!" and every single time only one boy gets up out of the whole class and greets the teacher back.

She decided to greet them again this particular day, and again only one boy stood up and greeted her...
She then decided to call him up to her desk and ask him loud enough for everyone to hear:

"Why is it that every time I greet the whole class, only you stand up to greet me back?"

He replied to the teacher in English: "It's because I'm the only person in this class whose name is Klaas!!!"

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him. "No way and no needles. I hate needles!" the patient says. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No," the patient says, "I am fine with pills".

The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet." The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't," says the dentist "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth!"

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark nets," the Aussie told him.
"What a great country this is!" said the South African, deeply impressed.
"We'd never get away with that at home!"

'n Jong man en sy poppie parkeer een aand hul motor langs die Hartbeespoortdam.
Die aanvanklike handjie vashouery ontaard later in 'n vurige passie, maar toe drange op sy hewigste is stoot die poppie hom weg en sê: "Verskoon tog, ek moes jou vroeer gesê het, ek is 'n prostituut en my tarief is R100."

Die gang van die natuur kan nie gestuit word nie en die man betaal.

Toe hulle klaar is, sit hy rustig en rook in stilte 'n sigaret. Later kan die Poppie dit nie meer verduur nie en vra: "Wel wanneer vat jy my terug Stad toe?"

"O! Verskoon tog" sê die man, "ek moes jou dalk vroeer gesê het - ek is eintlik 'n taxibestuurder en die koste terug stad toe is R150."

Secretary walks into her boss' office and says "I've got good news and bad news!"
Boss says "Give me the good news, I don't have the strength for any bad news today."
Secretary says "You're not sterile after all"

A taxi driver runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop. He thinks he's smarter than the cop, and (knowing there's a non-existent conviction rate for taxi drivers), decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the same time.

Cop: "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop! That's the LAW! License please!"

Taxi driver: "Heish! If you can show me the DIFFERENCE between SLOW DOWN and STOP, me I can give you my license, and you give me the ticket! If not, you let me go and NO ticket!"

The taxi driver gets out of his taxi and, at this point, the cop takes out his truncheon and starts beating the ever-loving CRAP out of the taxi driver, and says: "Do you want me to STOP or just SLOW DOWN, Boet?"

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retire to the bar at the end of the day.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman: "In Australia, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the king of them all - gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers."

Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of foam on top.

Norman, chairman of SAB, is next: "Barman, give me a diet Coke with ice and lemon please."

The other four stare at him in stunned silence, then Bruce asks: "Aren't you going to have a Castle, Norm?"

Koos stap eendag by sy dokter se spreekkamer in en kla dat hy dink dat hy dalk 'n lintwurm het.
Die dokter het hom deeglik ondersoek en ewe deeglik saamgestem.
Dokter: "Ek wil he jy moet more terugkom om jou behandeling te begin,en
ek wil he jy moet vir my 'n piesang en 'n koekie saambring."
Koos is effens verward, maar doen maar wat die dokter se . Die volgende
dag is hy terug met sy piesang en sy koekie.
Dokter: "Uitstekend, trek nou asseblief jou broek uit en buk vooroor.
Dit gaan niks seermaak nie."
Nou ja, wat kan hy doen? Hy trek sy broek af, buk vooroor en die dokter
druk die piesang in waar dit eintlik nie hoort nie. Hy wag 'n minuut -
presies 60 sekonde later volg die koekie die pad van die piesang.
Dokter: "Nou ja, dit was die eerste deel van jou behandeling. As jy wil he dit moet regtig werk, kom more terug met nog 'n piesang en nog 'n koekie."
Arme Koos is daar weg met trane van pyn en vernedering in sy oë, maar die volgende dag is hy terug; piesang, koekie en al. Presies dieselfde gebeur op dag twee, dag drie en dag vier . . . Eers die piesang, dan die koekie .
En so gaan dit vir 'n hele week lank aan. Dokter: "Veels geluk, more is jou heel laaste behandeling. Ek wil graag he jy moet 'n piesang en 'n hamer saambring."
Koos (bang verby; wil nie eens dink waarvoor die hamer is nie): "Nie 'n koekie nie?"
Dokter: "Nee, 'n hamer."
Die volgende dag is Koos terug - met sy piesang en sy hamer.
Dokter:"Nou ja, meneer Van der Merwe, jy ken nou al die roetine. Broek uit, buk af. Die dokter druk die piesang op, kyk op sy horlosie en tel die hamer op.
Een minuut gaan verby. Twee minute gaan verby. Drie minute. En uiteindelik na vier minute.... druk die wurm sy klein koppie by Koos se alie uit en skree:.............

"Waar's my koekie!!!??"

'n Vrou loop rond in 'n duur matwinkel. Net toe sy buk om aan 'n mooi mat te voel poep sy kliphard. Volgende oomblik staan die assistent langs haar.
Ongemaklik vra sy "Hoeveel kos die mat?"
Die assistent antwoord "Mevrou, as jy gepoep het toe jy aan die mat gevat het, gaan jy definitief in jou broek kak as jy sy prys hoor."

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. " Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.

Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know that?"

Seuntjie klim op die bus vir skool, en toe hy gaan sit begin hy sing:

"As my pa 'n leeu was en my ma was leeu, dan was ek 'n leeuwelpie!
As my pa 'n koning was en my ma 'n koninging, dan was ek 'n prins!"
Busdrywer raak geiriteerd met die klein laaitie se singery!
Toe laaitie weer begin sing, se die drywer:

"As jou pa 'n poepol was, en jou ma 'n hoer, wat was jy dan ?"
Laaitie antwoord, "Seker 'n busdrywer oom!"

Vraag aan 85 jarige man "Wanneer het Oom laas seks gehad?"
Oom: "So 1950"
"Dit was darem lank gelede ne' oom?"
Oom: "Nee wat, dis nou eers 20h30"

An Australian, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Australian. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Australian took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Australian had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Australian started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Conversation between Baboo & his son.

Baboo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son : "I will choose my own bride!"

Baboo: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Baboo approaches Bill Gates.

Baboo: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"

Baboo: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Baboo goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Baboo: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"

Baboo: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Hoekom klop mans se harte vinniger, raak hulle kniee lam, word hulle kele droog en dink hulle irrasioneel as 'n vrou leerklere dra?

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend lying in bed replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep you idiot."
The man returns: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

Quote of the day

Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean . . . . . . . . .
....... Against bars, poles and tables.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

Die pilot kondig af: "Ladies and gentlemen. We are now entering the Ethiopian airspace. Here 40% of the population are infected with TB. The other 60% are infected with the HIV virus."

Da' bo innie Bosveld stap hasie eendag so deurie gras en kom oppe borrel mampoer af wat innie son gelê het.
Hy vat 'n paar slukke, ma' ie witblits skop hom so lat hy net daar uitpaas.
Jakkals kom verby, sien vir hasie ennie bottel, dog toe hy sal ook so sluk vat voor hy vir hasie eet. Maar die warm mampoer kap hom ook om.
So lê die twee nou daar toe hiëna verby kom, hy kon sy geluk nie glo nie en drink ook an ie bottel; selle storie, val net daar neer, uit-gepaas.
Leeu kom toe op ie storie af, besluit hy eet nie aan jakkalse en hiëna's nie, en daarby is die haas te klein om eers oor te worrie. Hy vat toe maar 'n paar groot slukke en kort-voor-lank slaan hy ook neer.
Met die begin hasie roer, sit regop met 'n hewige hoofpyn. Hy skud sy kop,trek sy ore reg en kyk toe so om hom. Toe sien hy hoe lê leeu, jakkals en hiëna uitgepaas om hom. Hy mompel: "Hel, smaak my mos ek raak aggressief as ek gesuip is!"

Blond huil vreeslik tydens die geboorte van haar tweeling.
Dr vra verbaas "hoekom huil jy so vreeslik, jy het dan nounet 'n
tweeling ryker geraak?" "Ja", sê sy, "maar ek weet nie wie die pa van
die tweede een is nie "

Juffrou vra vir Gatiep om vir haar die verskil tussen massa en gewig te verduidelik.
"Neeiii Juffrou," se Gatiep "dis mos maklik. Ma pa kom nou die aand by die huis en se vir my ma "Jy't bietjie gewig opgetel.""
"My ma se toe vir jou "Jou massa moer""

Sipho will baie graag "personalised" nommer plate he vir sy taxi, maar kan nie R 3 000 bekostig daarvoor nie. Toe betaal hy eerder R 500 by Binnelandse Sake en verander sy naam na BCX 584 GP.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing ...

Oom vra apteker vir 'n kwart sterkte Viagra.
Apteker: 'n kwart sal oom nooit 'n ereksie gee nie!
Oom: Ek's nie gepla oor 'n ereksie nie. Ek wil net nie meer op my skoene pis nie!

Die ou gaan gereeld jag en sy vrou moet altyd by die huis bly. Sy besluit toe om vir haar `n geweer te koop en saam te gaan jag. Op die plaas aangekom sê hy vir haar om links teen die rivier af te loop dan loop hy regs teen die rivier af. Hulle sal dan weer mekaar onder by die hoof hek ontmoet. So gesê, so gedaan.

Hy het skaars 200 meter geloop toe hy drie skote hoor klap. Hy hardloop terug in haar rigting en by die rivier kry hy haar. Sy stry kliphard met `n man "Meneer, dit is my Kudu die ek het hom eerste gesien en drie kopskote gegee!"

"Goed mevrou, ek gaan nie verder met jou stry nie, vat dan die kudu vir jou, maar gee jy om as ek darem net my saal en toom van jou kudu afhaal!?"

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat!"

Log on: Make the braai hotter
Log off: The braai is too hot
Monitor: Keeping an eye on the braai
Download: Get the firewood off the bakkie
Hard drive: Trip back home without beer
Floppy disc: What you get from lifting to much firewood
Keyboard: Where you hang the bakkie and motor bike keys
Windows: What you shut when its too cold
Byte: What mosquitoes do
Bit: What mosquitoes did
Megabyte: What mosquitoes at the lake do
Chip: A bar snack
Microchip: What is left after you eat the chips
Modem: What you did with the lawns
Dot Matrix: Jan Matrix's wife
Laptop: Where the cat sleep

n Taalhandhawer en sy nors vrou hou by 'n vulstasie stil. 'Vul asseblief die brandstoftenk, gaan die olievlak na en kyk of daar nie fout met die knormoer van die motor is nie,' is sy opdrag.

Na 'n rukkie kom die pompjoggie na hom toe. 'Oubaas, ek het gefill-up en die olie gecheck, maar ek dink ons moet die oumiesies net so laat staan.'

The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbee's get bigger and bigger the closer they get.............

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Ooh!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your sons' English Teacher"

Wat is die definisie van 'n Bachelor?
'n Man wat Saterdag aand dorp toe gaan, saad plant en dan Sondag bid vir 'n misoes.

Die toeriste kom in Hluhluwe aan in Zoeloeland en kan nie besluit oor hoe om die naam uit te spreek nie. Na 'n groot debat besluit hulle om maar iets te gaan eet. Hulle kom toe in die restaurant aan en besluit om die kelnerin te vra: "Ag sal jy asseblief so gaaf wees om ons te vertel hoe mens julle plekkie se naam uitspreek?" "Ja seker" is die kelnerin se antwoord, "'n Mens spreek dit so uit: Sspuuurr!"

Dapper beteken:
As 'n man laat by die huis kom, na bier en parfuum ruik, met lipstiffie op sy kraag, sy vrou op die boud raps en se "Jy's volgende Vettie!!"

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toiletpaper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops.
"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

'n Man wil 'n bra koop vir sy vrou maar weet nie wat se grote on te koop nie. Die verkoopsdame se "Vat aan my borste, dalk is dit dieselfde grote."

Ou Oom Frik is 'n groot Ford aanhanger en wil 'n klein motortjie koop. Hy lees in die koerant: Escourt Agency - en skakel sommer dadelik die nommer.

Gatiep se vrou vang hom met 'n los girl in die bed, sy gooi hom van die vierde verdieping af en skreeu : "Jou fokken insek, as jy kan steek, kan jy vlieg ook!"

A Priest was seated next to Koos on a flight to Brakpan. After the
plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. Koos asked for a Rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than
let liquor touch my lips."

Koos then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too. I
didn't know we had a choice."

An Asian guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen and today I only get a hunat eighty?"

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this BIG African American guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis , 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis , my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade
next when his telephone rang. "Howzit Saddam!", a broken English
voice said.

"This is Koos here from the Doringboom Bar in Welkom, South Africa. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you boet!" "Well, Koos," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news!

How big is your army?" "Right now," said Koos, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Jan, my next door neighbour Lang Hannes, and the entire pool team from the pub. That makes eight!

" Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Bliksem!", said Koos. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Koos called again. "Saddam, my china, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Koos?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have 4 Hilux double cabs, two combies, a bulldozer, and Vet Gert's John Deer.

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke." "Liewe moer!" said Koos. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Koos rang again the next day. "Saddam, ou swaer, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Doepie's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four okes from the Virginia hengel klub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Goeie donner!", said Koos, "I'll have to ring you back".

"Sure enough, Koos called again the next day. "Jis, jis, jis Saddam! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Koos, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of Klippies en Coke, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Die polisie kry 'n telefoon oproep om hulp. "Help asseblief, hier het nou net 'n kat deur die venster geklim!"
"Wat bedoel jy, 'n kat?" vra die polisieman.
"'n Kat! 'n Fokken kat! Hier kom die kat vir my!"
"Maak jy 'n grap?" vra die polisieman. "Met wie praat ek?"
"Met die fokken papegaai, jou d%$@!"

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.

Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him.

His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen

The magistrate was scolding the accused: 'This is the seventh time in three years that you are appearing in front of me! What do you have to say for yourself?'

Accused: 'Your honour, jy kan mos nie vir my blame as jy nie a promotion kan kry nie!

Ma en pa vat hul vertraagde seuntjie, Marius, wildtuin toe. Marius is heel excited, venster oop gil en giggel en gaan aan. Die volgende oomblik storm 'n volstruis hom, pik hom dat die bloed spat. Dis net vere, geraas en chaos in die kar!!

In 'n klein dorpie in die Vrystaat trek 'n jong dametjie by die dominee in oordat sy nie blyplek het nie. Die stories begin die rondtes doen in die dorp en een van gemeente lede, Oom Daan, besluit om ondersoek in te stel.

Hy bel die dominee en reel dat hy en sy vrou by die dominee kom eet. Oom Daan en sy vrou bring toe al die kos en geniet 'n ete saam met die dominee en die jong dame.

Later die week bel die dominee vir oom Daan. "Oom Daan, ek wil nou nie se julle steel nie, maar daai mooi slaai lepel wat ek in Pakistan gekry het is weg vandat julle hier gekuier het" se die dominee.

Oom Daan antwoord "Dominee, ek wil nou nie se jy slaap met daai jonge dame nie, maar as jy in jou eie bed geslaap het, dan het jy die slaai lepel gekry".

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are... my... test...results...back?

A Sadist, a Masochist, a Murderer, a Necrofile, a Zoofile and a Pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it", shouted the Murderer.

"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again", said the Necrofile.

"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it", said the Pyromaniac.

One morning while making breakfast, Gatiep walked up to Maraai and slapped her on her thigh and said, "Ek se, ou Dikkes, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle neh!!
She just gave him the evil eye and replied with silence. The next morning Gatiep woke Maraai with a pinch on the breast and said, "Dolly Parton, if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra, ne? "This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his manhood. With a death grip in place she said, "Jy weet ou Slappes, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, your neighbor, the plumber, the pool man en jou broer, né......!

Rinnggggg!
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...
Is this 555-7039?? "

Drie ooms, Piet, Sarel en Koos is goeie ou jag vriende. Hulle jag gereeld saam maar oom Piet drink verskriklik.

Die drie gaan jag vir die naweek in die Vrystaat, en oordat oom Sarel en Koos vir oom Piet goed ken, vat hulle genoeg dop saam vir vier naweke se kuier. Kom die manne by die jag kamp aan, skink oom Piet vir almal 'n dop. Oom Sarel en Koos is nog besig met die eerste klippies en coke toe Oom Piet die eerste bottie klippies klaar maak.

So gaan dit aan tot later in die aand toe oom Piet uitpaas en al die dop is klaar. Oom Sarel en Koos besluit om vir oom Piet 'n les te leer en skiet skelm 'n rooibok. Hulle slag die bok af en steek die derms en binnegoed in oom Piet se broek daar waar hy in sy dronkenskap uitgepaas le.

Die volgende more roep die moeder natuur vir oom Piet na die 4 kaste klippies en 8 kaste coke wat hy gedrink het. Hy storm in die bos in en bly weg vir drie ure. Oom Sarel en Koos begin bekommerd raak toe oom Piet weer uit die bos gesuiker kom. Hulle vra hom toe hoekom is hy so lank weg.

Oom Piet se toe hy sy broek los maak om te pee, toe val al sy derms uit en dit vat hom toe drie ure om alles terug te druk.

'n Klomp boere hou vergadering in die Vrystaat oor die jakkalse wat die skape so afmaai. Natuurbewaring stuur 'n jong dametjie om die boere te kom oortuig om nie die diere uit te wis nie. 'n Paar voorstelle word daar aan die vergadering voorgelê.

Een idee is om die mannetjie jakkalse te vang en steriliseer, en so getalle te begin beheer sonder om die spesie uit te wis. Sit een omie baie aandagtig en luister en op die uitnodiging om vrae te stel, vra hy sy beurt aan en sê: "Juffrou jy verstaan nie die probleem so mooi nie. Die jakkalse steek nie ons skape nie, hulle EET hulle."

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole; the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, " Eish, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

Two old ladies sit in a coffee shop. One asks "Did you come on the bus today?"
"Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack..."

As dit te stil word, raak jy alleen want dit lat jou dink aan die verlede, slegte tye, 'n goor verhouding, en hope probleme. Breek eerder die stilte, EN POEP!!